Saturday, April 25, 2015

Vacuum cleaners and other vexing human tricks

This is the boss of my human's suster.
note: I asked Zoe to be the guest blogger for today. She has a lot to say about humans. I'm afraid that it's not all complimentary. Zoe has decided to dictate her story to me, her human.

My name is Zoe. I am the superior species, namely Cat. Don't forget to capitalize Cat every time you write it. Humans tend to forget easily.

OK, now that I've gotten instructions out of the way, I will talk about life as a Cat among the humans. Humans are strange creatures. I'm not sure how they keep themselves clean because I never see them washing themselves. In fact, I never see them do much of anything. They talk a lot in strange voices that sometimes sound angry and, other times, sound soothing. They don't know how to say "meow," and when they say "meow," they are usually saying bad words without realizing it.
don't usually listen to them, except when I hear, "Hear kitty kitty kitty, cat cat!" That's when my soft food from the can is served. Even though that is a sound that I welcome, I don't have to respond right away. It is much more fun if I can get the human to do everything in her power to entice me to eat my cat food. She puts the food up to my nose so that I can sniff it. She crawls in the floor. Finally, I deign to eat the food and she says, "Good girl." Silly human.

Speaking about silly humans, they aren't always silly. They have evil inventions. One of them is called the Vacuum Cleaner. What sort of evil human would invent the Vacuum Cleaner? It is my nemesis. It makes this awful noise and it sucks everything up. All of those crumbs that the humans drop on the floor get sucked up by the Vacuum Cleaner. What the heck? Some of those crumbs taste good. The ants like them, too. But I don't really like the ants. As far as I am concerned, they can go into the Vacuum Cleaner. 

I used to have a boyfriend, named Smokey. We never married because the humans made sure that we couldn't have kittens.Silly humans. Our kittens would have been gorgeous.When I first met Smokey, we were big kittens. He didn't know about the "I'm spayed, leave me alone" part. He wanted to make me a mommy in the worst way. I hissed at him. He was a bit slow. He didn't always get the message.

We grew to be good friends. A few years ago, Smokey got sick and he died. Then my human's daddy (Grandpop) died, too. My family was disappearing. I started howling then. I continue to howl. 

The reason that I mention my lost love is that Smokey wasn't a big genius. He was a gentle giant of a cat but he wasn't a genius. He shed his long gray and white fur everywhere. Then he tried to eat it up. The only problem was that the Vacuum Cleaner came and that was the end of Smokey's prize.

There are other critters around, besides humans and the Cat (formerly Cats). There are mice. Those annoying little critters. I generally ignore them. I have no interest in chasing them or in catching them. Sometimes, I meow at a mouse but it makes these odd little squeak noises. They run around the kitchen and the dining room and their little whiskers quiver as they taste test my cat food...

Hey! That's my cat food! Come on, human! Get that mouse out of my food!!!

What else do humans do, besides make noise and operate Vacuum Cleaners? Sometimes, they try to take me to see the Veterinarian. The humans all love the Veterinarian. He is their friend. Smokey did not like the Veterinarian. That gentle giant turned into a biting, hissing ball of long hair standing straight on end. I have never been that direct. I just found a good hiding place and I stayed there. The humans couldn't get me out. They tried poking me with sticks. I hissed and refused to move. That was very vexing. 

When the humans did trick me into going to the Veterinarian's office, the world didn't come to a screeching halt. I have to admit that the Veterinarian did help me feel better. Nevertheless, I prefer not to go because I don't like riding in that car. It is bumpy and doesn't make me feel too happy. I prefer to stay home and sit happily on the windowsill, watching the world.

Yep, the world is pretty well complete when you have a windowsill to sit on and a view of birds and deer and trees and the blue sky.

One of these days, the training of the humans will be complete, and they will understand that their main purpose in existing is to serve the best interest of Cat. 

4 comments:

Carlease Burke said...

Very clever and creative! I thoroughly enjoyed this blog especially since I've developed allergies and can no longer own a Cat.

emilia.m said...

long time ago one of my bunnz did a guest post (on totally different blog though :) so good writers they are! :)

Entrepreneurial Goddess said...

Hello there.
LOL! I used to live with four cats, so I know exactly what you mean. We think we own the things, but really, they own and control us!
Thanks for sharing.

Entrepreneurial Goddess

Anabel Marsh said...

Hi - visiting on the A to Z Road Trip and having a look at your blog. As an ex-cat owner myself, I can totally see where you are coming from with this post!

Anabel at Anabel's Travel Blog

Colorful Buckhorn Island State Park

Yesterday afternoon, I went to visit Buckhorn Island State Park. When I arrived, I noticed a man spraying himself with insect repellent an...