Fractured Fairy Tales: The Tale of the Golden Border Wall

It had been a while since I'd visited President Mighty Mouth in the White House. Two years, to be exact. My project of interviewing the President ended after the Kellyannebot attempted to exterminate me in a very Dalek-esque fashion. In fact, the Kellyannebot WAS a Dalek. I had to leave the Pillars of Power before I was Pulverized. But now, the title of Enemy of the People (although I never know which People were my enemies) had been bestowed upon me. I was taken back to the White House, where I discovered that President Mighty Mouth had been crowned a King.  

I stood before the Great King Mighty Mouth, who had bestowed a variety of titles upon himself since my last visit. These included STABLE GENIUS and the mysterious MAGA Hero. I wondered what a MAGA Hero was. And what about a STABLE GENIUS? Did that have something to do to with the person who mucks out stalls? Wait. Did I smell... 

King Mighty Mouth: Pay attention! You stand here in the most magnificent shackles, accused of diss... um... dissemin... ugh... spreading... FAKE NEWS!!!!

Me: I... I... I...

King Mighty Mouth: Thou art a peon. Thou shalt not speak!

Me: (thinking) (What? Could the king be a space alien? Why is he trying to imitate Shakespeare?)

King Mighty Mouth: Do not think! You have been accused of spreading Fake News. You are sentenced to...

Me: Sentence first, trial afterward?

King Mighty Mouth: I am the Great and Mighty King Mighty Mouth! There is no reason for a trial. But you can make a deal with me. I am the Deal Maker of Deal Makers. No one knows the Art of the Deal like I do. 

Me: Yes, your highness.

King Mighty Mouth: That's better. If you want to go free, you will spin Fake News into a Golden Border Wall. If you don't take the deal, you will be thrown into a Dungeon where you will be forgotten, never to be heard from again.

Me: Um...

King Mighty Mouth: Then it's settled. Take her away!

(Palace Guard officers grabbed me and pulled me away, throwing me into a dark and dank dungeon. Before they slammed the thick door, they let me know that they hadn't been paid for more than two weeks so they didn't really care what happened to the king or to me.)

In the dungeonI could barely see. I started to cry pitifully. How do I get myself into these terrible situations? I mean... well, this was my first experience of being thrown into a dungeon by a self-proclaimed king and stable genius. My eyes gradually grew accustomed to the darkness. I looked around me and found a very old spinning wheel and a weaver's loom. Everything was covered with a very thick layer of dust. The dungeon door opened with a huge clanking noise and an unpaid guard threw stacks of old newspapers at me. I looked at the guard, the newspapers, the dust, and at the spinning wheel. I didn't know how to spin, and I especially didn't know how to spin old newspapers. The guard slammed the door shut and I was alone with my misery.

I sat on the unswept floor and was soon covered with dust, which caused me to sneeze and cry simultaneously. Just then, the door opened again, and a round little man walked in. I stared at him. He was shaped like a medicine ball.

Medicine Ball Man: I can spin that Fake News into pieces of Golden Border Wall. Go to sleep and it will happen. Don't worry about paying me. I will collect when it is time.

And so, it did happen. In the morning, Medicine Ball Man was gone, and there was a piece of 14-karat gold. It was the size and shape of  a small wall, just about right for a small shed. Aha! I thought. The King will see that I have produced a wall for him, and I will go home.

But, no. A guard took the wall away and, before long, another load of old newspapers was dropped in my dungeon. Once again, at night, the Medicine Ball Man came and magically turned the Fake News into a piece of Golden Wall. Every day and every night was a repeat of the previous day and night. Even the food was the same, regardless of the day of the week. It was always overcooked and allowed to become cold before it was brought to me. I was brought to a shower on random days but, for the most part, I was covered with dust. I gradually lost track of time. One day, I was brought before King Mighty Mouth. He looked at me and sneezed, as I was covered with dust.

King Mighty Mouth: I want my Border Wall built now. You haven't even built a quarter of a mile. You have to turn more fake news into Golden Border Wall. I want 1,954 miles of Golden Border Wall by next Wednesday.

Me: How many kilometers would that be? About 3,000?

King Mighty Mouth: I don't do kilometers. I supposed you want socialized medicine? You want free medicine?

Me: Yes, please.  Ahhh-chooo! (I had developed an allergy to myself.)

King Mighty Mouth: Take her away!

I was then brought back to my dungeon, but the guards left the door open. The Medicine Ball Man walked into my room. I was determined not to sleep while he worked. He sat there and did nothing. His mouth was frozen into a frown and his brow was furrowed.

Me: When will I be free from this nightmare? Why is it taking so long for the Golden Border Wall to be built? Who are you? What is your name?

Medicine Ball Man: Guess my name. If you guess my name, you will be free.

Me: George.

MBM: No. Hahahaha!

Me: Ebenezer.

MBM: No!

Me: Javert?

MBM: No.

Me: the Phantom?

MBM: Hahaha. (He sprinkled stardust over me and I fell asleep.)

When I awakened, the Medicine Ball Man was gone, and the door was still open. The guard stood there and said that he didn't care if I ran off or not, but the king might send an (unpaid) posse after me.

Guard: Why should I care? I have no Coin of the Realm. I haven't been paid in months.

I stretched my limbs and went outside. There I saw the king and the human version of the Medicine Ball dancing around a bonfire.

Medicine Ball Man: She will never guess that my name is... TRUMPLESTILSKIN!!!!

I crept back to the Dungeon and fell asleep. For the first time, I slept happily, surrounded by a piece of Golden Border Wall and more dust than I ever imagined could possibly exist in one place.

Come back tomorrow for the conclusion of the tale!